Christmas cookies and changes...

So here it is the week of Christmas and instead of having a warm cozy time of it with family and friends, I find myself banging my head against the keyboard of my computer with a major case of writer’s block with regards to the book. I’m considering skipping ahead and writing a chapter that is swirling in my head and then go back or forward from there and fill in the blanks. Then I get side tracked with Christmas “stuff” and lose sight of what I’m working on.

Then I get distracted thinking about editing and then changes in general. I find that the thing about changes is that it never stops. Everything is in constant flux. I’ve been going through some changes myself the last few weeks and months. I’ve been evaluating myself and my relationships, my beliefs, my life’s work and accomplishments and anything and everything that can be evaluated. That’s the problem with having an analytical mind, you analyze everything and everyone.

Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living and I agree. If you don’t take the time to look at things and just run along on auto-pilot you miss out on the pleasures of living.

It has also been said that ignorance is bliss and I agree to this as well. What I don’t know about, I don’t worry about. A sort of “don’t worry, be happy” philosophy.

I know that these two things are at complete odds and yet they are both true in certain circumstances and in certain states of mind. I want to know and analyze and logic myself to death and yet I’d rather not know and worry myself to death.

Still here I am in this state of contemplation and it isn’t always a happy place to be. Sometimes when you closely look at your life, you find you aren’t as happy as you thought you were. Auto-pilot allows you to function and fool yourself into happiness. This place of mental funk is hard to shake off and you go about feeling lost in the “what-ifs” of your mind.

May be it’s a midlife crisis. Maybe it’s empty nest syndrome. I don’t know. I just know that I’m sometimes second guessing my life choices now and it is a path I’m almost afraid to go down for fear of where it will lead me. What if I decide I can live with my current choices and be happy?

Then again, maybe everyone needs to take the time to step back and re-examine themselves not in fear that they will only find regrets but so that they can see the accomplishments as well. We all have highs and lows in our lives things we have done and those we have left un-done. It reminds us that there are still things to accomplish and goals to reach.

Sigh, too much thinking and not enough Christmas cookies, I think.

Memories...

Oddly enough, I have been thinking about the time I spent at Butler High School lately. I was only there two years but like all events we experience, it impacted my life in good and bad ways.

I’ve never attended a high school reunion since most of my friends were not in my class but instead were members of all the classes before and after me. Hard to find the reunion that covers that group! (Someday I would love to meet up with all the drama and radio kids again though.)

At any rate due to my writing my Young Adult novel (which has a target audience of 12 – 18 year olds), I have been thinking about incidents in high school and the angst attached to them – the desire to fit in, the broken hearts, the need to appear cool, and all the trials and tribulations of school. Though the hairstyles and clothing has thankfully changed since my days in school the issues are the same for kids in school today.

And as I get older I realize that the issues in high school are the same today as an adult. The desire to be liked and fit in with co-workers and family, broken hearts with broken relationships, disappointments, the need to appear cool or acceptable to hire at a job interview, the need to persuade the board to like you and thus your ideas. The further I am removed from school, the closer I am back to that first day my sophomore year at Butler High hoping that I would be able to open my locker.

Angst is angst whether you are 14 or 43. I may have better coping skills now than I did then and I may have the ability to remove myself emotionally and see the big picture but the fear remains the same. At least I hope I have those skills now, some days the “locker” doesn’t open and I have to wonder at my emotional response. Regardless, it is all good fodder for the book.

The Writing Process

I’m beginning to think I am schizophrenic since I am hearing voices in my head. The voices are the characters in my novel. I feel like I know them so well that in any given situation I can tell you their responses. I can almost hear a tone and pitch of their voices but I definitely can hear their words.

I’ve noticed something else too. I hear music in the background for each of the characters. I’ll be listening to music and think “oh, Derek would like this song,” and Derek isn’t real. I know this but still the thought comes to mind.

Maybe immersion like this is necessary for me to commit to finishing this book since I’ve started so many books before and haven’t finished as their voices were lost to me along the way. The only way at this point that I’ll free myself from the “voices” is to finish.

My writing classes are a huge help too. The encouragement, the criticisms are the lifeblood of the process. They help me to refine and re-think the voyage along the way. I have completely changed my major challenge to my character as a result.

Another plus are my first readers. As I send them chapters they comment and refine my voices as well. Their encouragement (and demands that I finish and send them more to read!) is essential to the journey of writing.

At the end of this, I have to wonder, who is the real author? The person who types the words or the people who help refine the work? Perhaps it is necessarily a joint process.

Now if the voices will just quiet down enough to let me finish other things…

The Truth About My Jet-Set Lifestyle...

For work these days, I find myself traveling a lot. My cousin, Loretta, comments on Facebook that I have a jet-set lifestyle but the following is a true story of the traveling life.

After finishing my training in Indy, the plan was for me to fly from Indy to Chicago and from Chicago to GSP last night and land around 11:00 PM and I was to show up at work this morning. But alas, the best laid plans of mice and men… often get screwed up when airlines are involved.

At any rate, United Airlines, dispatched the flight from Chicago to Indy late. Which means my flight from Indy to Chicago (on the same late plane) left even later. Not to fear, it would be close, but if I ran, I would be able to make my flight. Unfortunately, when we landed at O’Hare, the jet way was broken and we had to wait for the “Safety Crew” to arrive to escort us on the ground. I use the term “Safety” loosely because they barely glanced at us and I have a feeling we could have set ourselves on fire and they wouldn’t have noticed. Nonetheless, I ran around them, up a flight of stairs and across the terminal and found that my flight had already taken off for Greenville with my luggage, potentially. SIGH…

I was then directed to go to “Customer Service” to re-book the flight. I use the term “Service” loosely as well because they were too busy arguing with O’Hare officials to blame them so that O’Hare would pay for my hotel room instead of United. It was finally decided that United was to blame and they put me up at the Wyndham O’Hare for the night. When I asked about my luggage they weren’t “sure” where it was. (If they don’t know where it is, then who in heaven’s name does?!) I was then directed the opposite way I had come to catch a shuttle to the Wyndham. On my way out of O’Hare, I had the foresight to stop at a store there and buy a travel size deodorant for $6.00 plus tax!!!

I was worried when I arrived at the Wyndham when we drove for almost an hour to get here through a neighborhood I would not normally be in but tried to remain hopeful. The desk clerk barely spoke English but I knew I was in trouble when I asked about a cab ride in the morning to catch my flight (thinking that would be quicker than a shuttle) and he remarked that they didn’t come this way often (Translation—they will be shot and killed if they did).

I headed up to my room and found potential knife holes in my lamp shades and some black substance in the bottom of the bath tub. Since blood dries brown, I wasn’t sure what it was except potentially where the chainsaw touched the enamel while they cut up the bodies in the tub. Needless to say, I will not be taking a bath or shower in this tub. I’m afraid for my feet to touch the carpet while wearing boots.

Next I began (like a shipwreck victim) to take stock of my supplies. No luggage—Check. Knife holes in the lampshades—Check. God knows what in the bathtub—check. Drunken, noisy neighbors—check. I also have a laptop, a camera, a blackberry, cords to hook it into the internet—check. $6.00 Deodorant—check. The clothes I am wearing—Check. A first aid kit with bandages (in case I change my mind about slashing my wrists), t-shirts I bought for the girls, painkillers, sunglasses (those will come in handy since it is dark out), a toothbrush and toothpaste (thank God!), mints, tissues, make-up, a hair brush, a shot glass I bought for Ben (wish I had something to put in it!), a Shout clothing wipe, a magnet from Indianapolis, a Strawberry Special K Bar (that looks like someone sat on it—twice) and Carrie Fisher’s new book Wishful Drinking—Check.

All in all, I am feeling some better and bravely or crazily head down the hall to the vending area where I have to pay for some ice(!) and a Sierra Mist to swallow the pills with and notice a sign on the vending machine that states “Tipping the machine will not dispense free drinks.” Seriously? Is this and issue here?

Then I realize that “Oh how the mighty have fallen.” I went from the beautiful Palmer House of Downtown Chicago to the Ghetto Wyndham in just a matter of days. And if I die here, please, as my friends, swear that you will sue United, O’Hare and Wyndham for my family. Hopefully, I will find my luggage and return to Greenville. Someday.

Signed, Lost in the Ghetto - (Michelle)

Thoughts of Madness...

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
-Hedley Lamarr from “Blazing Saddles”


Sometimes I think my brain is malfunctioning it runs in so many directions at once and I have a hard time lassoing it into coherent thoughts. Then as my thoughts “cascade into a waterfall” I’m afraid that important details get lost in the deluge.

I’m tracking multiple work projects, staff development projects, home remodeling projects, mini projects, a book project, articles for the Unicoi Mini-Play Weekend in the NAME Gazette, a new design project utilizing “packaging” and women, travel for work, family and minis, Amanda going back to school in a couple of weeks, self improvement and other picture postcards.

Sometimes the brain gets to buzzing like a chainsaw and won’t let me breathe or stop long enough to sleep. Last night it was well after 2:00 AM before I was able to turn it “off” enough to rest. Then the chainsaw cranked back up around 4:30 AM this morning so by the time the alarm on my “Crackberry” went off this morning it was literally all I could do to get up and moving.

It seems at times the only peace I get is on the treadmill going as fast as I possibly can go, concentrating only on my breathing and blasting my IPod treadmill playlist (Currently includes Muse, Perry Farrell, Mute Math, Paramore, etc.) as loud as my ear drums can stand to try to push out all the buzzing “raging torrents” of thoughts.

I used to keep a notepad by the side of my bed to write down thoughts and things to do when they hit me so that I could let them go and try to rest, but then I found myself editing the random thoughts and brainstorming off of those. Then, of course, it really ticks Ben off when I turn on the light in the middle of the night to do this so I quit that.

Hmmm….so what’s the deal?

Is this an obsessive compulsive disorder? Possible, but more likely, I think it is life overload. When did I get so busy that I require two (yes, two) Blackberries, multiple notebooks with To-do lists that must be completed, and a laptop with me at all times?

Do I have a fear of under-commitment and the word “no” became a dirty word to me? Why does my life seem like a treadmill with a never ending belt of things to do and no hope of getting off as it speeds up to astronomical speeds that my frail body and brain cannot possible keep up with?

There has to be a better way. I haven’t found it yet but I’m still looking. After all, it’s on my to-do list and I need to check at least one thing off.

On a happier note, just bought my airline ticket for Salt Lake City small scale regional Houseparty the first weekend of October! I can't wait to go - La Vie en Rose!

The Big Picture...

I’ve been thinking a lot about “the big picture” lately as in why are we here? who put us here? where are we heading? why do bad things happen? etc.

This morning while commuting to work and begging the car in front of me to “pick a lane” I saw a bumper sticker that said: I love Jesus but I hate his fan club. There is a part of me that can totally relate to that. There is no question in my heart and mind that there is a God above who thinks of me and cares for me but I’m concerned about the way He is presented through the weak lenses of humanity and the Church.

In our weakness we see dimly and try to contain God in a box and in a manner in which we can wrap our heads around. I think that is wrong and places human limitations on a limitless God. We fight wars in the name of God, make judgments against one another in the name of God and do it all while singing “Amazing Grace.” Most of the worst damage done to my psyche has happened within the confines of the church’s four walls. How many others have suffered the same? God forgive us.

Intellectually, I know this happens because the Church is filled with humans who are not perfect and yet sometimes I think the Church promotes this harsh mindset. It is hard for me to reconcile these opposing forces and it turns me against the institution at times. My adult life has been a struggle to determine my place within and without the Church. The institution and legalism of the Church is not where I want to be but the love of God is such a force within me and the habit of church attendance so ingrained that I find that I am in attendance with severely mixed emotions.

I suppose this has all been brought front and center to me this summer as I have dealt with my weaknesses and illness and even my mortality. It isn’t something most people want to think about – myself included. But in spite of it all, I know God is there, loving me and using this process to teach me and develop me as a human being.

I am here now for purposes I am not always aware of, created by the Almighty, heading on a journey of His choosing and purpose and though I do not believe in a vindictive God who causes bad things such as illness, I do believe He is a loving Father who uses events in our lives to mold and sometimes break us to His loving will.

Help me, Lord, to be a better member of your fan club.

Save the Date!

Mark your calendars now for a Mini-Play Weekend at Unicoi State Park near the alpine village of Helen in the mountains of North Georgia from April 30 – May 2, 2010. The first ever Mini-Play weekend was held here in 1999 and many of the original committee members are planning a return event. Cat Wingler, Debbie Young and Jane Payne are planning a fabulous π” scale workshop for participants in our retreat. We hope you will come play with us.The weekend is very informal but packed full of fun. The official opening begins on Friday evening at 6:30 PM (registration at 4:30-6:30 PM) and ends at noon on Sunday. We'll have activities galore, a very different kind of sales event we think you'll enjoy, lots of sharing, and tons of fun. Since we'll be outside of Alpine Helen, we are planning our event with a Bavarian theme. We will be making a 1/4” Bavarian style shop as the main workshop with lots of things to fill it. Just think of all the possibilities for your shop: it could be a coo-coo clock shop, bier garten, a funnel cake shop, or quilt shop. Your inspiration can come from Alpine Helen itself which is full of wonderful shops.More information will be provided in the near future but for now, Save the Date and we'll see you at Unicoi!

A New Word...

The dictionary can explain what fibromyalgia is but my body explains it better. Pain and fatigue, fatigue and pain. Sometimes in the arms and shoulders, sometimes the knee and leg. Sometimes both.

After years of weird and seemingly unrelated symptoms, a diagnosis is made. My stress level has exacerbated it but not caused it. No one knows what causes it. There is no cure but it can be managed the doctor says. So now, I try to figure out how.

The medications make me groggy. Not fond of that. Yesterday the medication had me lying on the kitchen floor. I insisted to my husband, Ben, that I was simply trying to make sure it was clean enough but I couldn’t joke my way out of that one. The world went black when I stood. So I only take them at night when I can sleep and simply “muscle through” my day.

It’s a strange feeling when your body fails you. But I’m one of the lucky ones. It could have lupus or MS or any number of other things. I’ll take this new word and I’ll research it. And I’ll learn all I can and make it part of my own vocabulary and lifestyle. I’m 42 and I have a lot more to do. Fibromyalgia may be one of the words that defines me, but it is not the only one. It’s just a new one.

Weekends...

It was a pretty quiet weekend. Maybe it was too quiet. By Saturday afternoon, I found myself in a mental funk. Everything I had attempted to do was not cooperating, internet was out, taxes were taxing, traffic was chaos, spent a good deal of the day chauffeuring my daughter about while her car is waiting on body parts from her wreck last week. A Saturday should not be a day of drudgery.

So, I took a step back. Had a glass of wine, took a deep breath and vowed to have a more productive day on Sunday.

Sunday morning was sunny and warm for February. My dear husband made breakfast. Down the stairs I go to do laundry and play in my workroom. I added the casters to both sewing desks and organized my wallpaper by scale. I may actually be able to find wallpaper when I actually need it and not come across it accidentally six months later. Amazing! I used my label maker and label the shelves with wallpaper. Then, heady with my accomplishment, I organized both sewing desks! Insanity! I can find my extra bobbins and needles and was amazed with how many I had bought. Fabric was organized by color and type. Labels were made and adhered.

I feel rejuvenated. Anything is possible. I can dream the impossible dream and gasp -finish a project. So I sit myself down and start working on my 1” inch scale “Ivy Cottage” from the E-3 2002 President’s Retreat in Atlanta. Yes, I said it; I’ve been working on this stupid, little box since 2002. I finish my wiring, and miracle of miracle, it works! I cover the outside of the box and VOILA, a finished project!

Now, I’m nervous - the whole thing was simple and pain free. I was able to complete this a little too easily and a little too quickly. All my supplies were where they belonged. Scissors were together, glue in its proper place, papers neatly stacked. I had wasted no time wandering about the house gathering supplies together or going to the store to buy a duplicate of something I already owned. Do I dare tempt fate and try it again?!

Giggling foolishly, I pick up my Oval Office from the September Houseparty and began covering my couches. The silk did not ravel. I managed to not get more glue on me than on the couches. Accessories were placed easily and except for a half second when I couldn’t find the tiny glass stopper for the decanter all went smoothly. (The darn thing is so tiny; I couldn’t see it in the box!)


Two, count them, two finished projects in one day with no cursing involved. I knew then I had to stop while I was ahead. It was fairly early in the afternoon and I had the time to work on my Christmas box but no way was I going to tempt fate again. I put my tools away (so I can actually find them next time) and went to watch some TV. Drat, darn cable is out. That’s okay, with my new attitude I can watch a DVD.

Who knows, this clean workroom thing may actually have an impact on my ability to finish projects and my life in general. I may become productive and finish those projects that have been lying about and begging me to finish them. All the parts and accessories gathering dust as they patiently wait. Tonight I may even dare to work on my Christmas box.

Inspiration

What is this about? Nothing since October and now I’m a blabber mouth posting daily or twice daily.

I guess it was the holidays. Or maybe I was mentally fried. Or perhaps it was all the additional work going on with training of two new employees or the well had run dry. Is that possible? Can you run out of inspiration?

What is this thing called inspiration? It is a question that is being discussed this month on Quarter Connection – what inspires you -- a container, a kit? I haven’t responded to the question on QC because I’m not entirely sure how to respond. What doesn’t inspire me would be easier to answer.

It can be the color of a leaf as the sun shines through it, a container that can be used in a new way, a swatch of fabric, a smell, a taste, a memory, a photograph, a story, a line from a song, a fragment of an overheard conversation, a movie, a news story, anything and everything can be inspiration.

Do I act on all of these inspirations? No, I mean, there isn’t enough time or energy to do so, but I can explore them mentally and discard what isn’t needed and squirrel some away for future use or adaption. I have notes and sketches to remind me later, bits and pieces of ideas that may not see the light of day but are there dancing about the edges of my mind.

Time in a bottle….

Showing my age again, I’m sure, but I always liked the song “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce. I’ve been thinking a lot about time this week due to the planning of my sister’s 50th birthday party with my niece. As a part of the planning, I have been digging out old photographs of my sister, and I have to say, laughing at the styles.

This one of my sister and I was taken on the first day of school in 1971 when I started kindergarten. She was 12 and I was 4 and a blonde. And no clue what was about to happen to me or the many directions my life was going to take. My sister’s dress has turtles on it. Very styling! She was pretty cool for a big sister. She walked me to class and made sure I was okay.

Then the pictures progress in photographs and in my mind - other first days of school and with me, I was always at a different school. Sometimes I attended more than one school per year. I was always the new kid with something to prove. It was tough at the time but looking back it helped me too.

Now I’m 42 and starting to gray. I color my hair red and brown and dirty blonde and whatever else strikes my fancy. I’m never afraid to meet new people now. I feel fairly confident in who I am and what I believe and what I think. I like to think I am still open to change and possibilities and I realize there is more to life than the life I am leading now. And there is always the opportunity to grow. I’ve watched my own daughters go through school and face first days and now they are both in college which feels weird but good.

While in the throes of raising my daughters, I always thought my job as a parent was to put myself out of a job. In other words, to raise independent children who could stand on their own two feet and for the most part I feel I have been successful. They really are independent - one living far away in Kansas City, Missouri where she is in her Junior year at Kansas City Art Institute as a sculptor major and the other living at home but working and attending college at Greenville Technical College and taking care of herself.

As I look again at the picture of myself on my first day of school, I have to wonder what was going through my mother’s mind when she took this picture. And as I look at my daughters I am so proud of both of them – of their abilities and capabilities and their success in the world and the young women they have become, and I am overwhelmed by how time has moved along.

This morning my youngest called me at work to say she had been in a car wreck -- a fender bender. It was nothing really. No one was hurt except the cars, but it got me to thinking again. Time is short and anything could have happened but thankfully didn’t and perhaps some day she too will have children and they will drive and call her scared and upset about a fender bender and she will be reminded how short time can be but usually isn’t and be as grateful as I am that there is still more time to capture.


Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce – 1972

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with

New Year, New Beginning, New Opportunity to finish a project….

I’m still working on re-doing my workroom and trying to catch up on some old projects that have been languishing and gathering dust. I am so close to finishing several projects but just need that extra push to do so. One of my goals for the year is to do just that, finish a project a month (or at least a kit!) before I start anything new.

Ahh, the best laid plans of mice and men. So it is a month after New Years and okay, so I’ve started some new projects. But in my defense, I have finished some projects as well. I’ve included some pictures of my M.E. dome that my club, Mini-GAME, did some time back. I’m just not a Mary Englebreit fan. The colors, the style, it just doesn’t do it for me. But I did the dome to be a team player and was happy to have finished something and pleased with it in spite of the red and yellow folk art decor. I’m NOT going to be a “Chair of bowlies” (or whatever the saying is) fan by any means but hey, a finished project is a finished project.

I finally took pictures of my sewing corner. I haven’t done any projects in 1” in some time so that made it interesting. I need to add the transformer because the light on the sewing machine works! Love that! My next 1” project is to finish my lighthouse so that I clear out some boxes of accessories and furniture I have set aside for it. I’m finishing the wiring and need to handle the wall covering on the second floor and then decorate. I may build a table for it to set on as well.

I also finished my beach house, “Sea Chelles” from Suzanne and Andrews that I bought way back at the first Greenville Small Scale Houseparty. At least, I thought I finished it. Then I realized I had a clothesline I wanted to install in the back. And then the clothesline needed clothes on it…you know I have a hard time finishing anything I actually like. There is always one more thing to add! It is sort of like the children’s book “If You Give a Moose a Muffin” where one thing leads to another. That is me with minis. I “finish” them but then discover that there’s one more thing so they are never finished. Pictures are of my house and front yard and the now unfinished clothesline in the back yard. A project to finish this weekend I hope. Really. I’m going to finish this house. At least, until I find another cool accessory it needs…

I’m still working on my Gold and White Christmas box (the Quarter scale version of Brooke Tucker’s Golden Christmas) that our club started in December 2007. Fortunately, I’m not alone as Saturday before last we had an all-day club meeting at Janet’s house and everyone but Donna was working on theirs as well. Donnas’ was finished and looked great!

I’m determined to finish it as well. Of course, my box couldn’t be Gold and White. I went with Red and Green. I used papers from Robin Betterley in a red toile and red stripe and with the green marble of the fireplace a theme was born. Okay, so a red and green theme for a Christmas box isn’t exactly a stretch of the imagination but I am pleased with how it is turning out so far. I have most of my furniture kits and have started building them as well. I think it will all be adorable and will post pictures as I progress.

Then, I have my Christmas Toy Shoppe – “Stuff Your Stockings” which is painted and wallpapered with windows in place. It only needs the interior trim, shelving and counters built and the outside porch finished. Of course I have to make all the toys too but I have several kits waiting to be made including an adorable Karen Benson car table with tiny cars on a track. I’m sure I will go blind painting the details on the cars. I purchased a couple of toy soldiers from Lexmark that light up, and they will be placed on either end of the porch. I think that will really make the shop look great.

I’m also thinking all things French since I am desperately hoping to go to the Salt Lake City Small Scale “A Weekend in Paris – La vie en Rose.” I have an idea for a couple of roundtables that I am creating prototypes for, and there is the Quarter Scale On-line Convention. I’m busy finishing my tote bag favors for that, too.

Of course, there are still all the plans being made for a Mini-Weekend in Spring 2010 at Unicoi with a Bavarian Village theme. I’m the co-chair for this event and so excited over all the possibilities for this project I can hardly stand it! This much excitement and I haven’t even seen the prototype yet but I know it will be great since it is being designed by Cat Wingler, Debbie Young and Jane Payne – the dynamic trio!

New Year, New Beginning, New minis to create, Mew mini friends to meet…