I’ve been thinking a lot about “the big picture” lately as in why are we here? who put us here? where are we heading? why do bad things happen? etc.
This morning while commuting to work and begging the car in front of me to “pick a lane” I saw a bumper sticker that said: I love Jesus but I hate his fan club. There is a part of me that can totally relate to that. There is no question in my heart and mind that there is a God above who thinks of me and cares for me but I’m concerned about the way He is presented through the weak lenses of humanity and the Church.
In our weakness we see dimly and try to contain God in a box and in a manner in which we can wrap our heads around. I think that is wrong and places human limitations on a limitless God. We fight wars in the name of God, make judgments against one another in the name of God and do it all while singing “Amazing Grace.” Most of the worst damage done to my psyche has happened within the confines of the church’s four walls. How many others have suffered the same? God forgive us.
Intellectually, I know this happens because the Church is filled with humans who are not perfect and yet sometimes I think the Church promotes this harsh mindset. It is hard for me to reconcile these opposing forces and it turns me against the institution at times. My adult life has been a struggle to determine my place within and without the Church. The institution and legalism of the Church is not where I want to be but the love of God is such a force within me and the habit of church attendance so ingrained that I find that I am in attendance with severely mixed emotions.
I suppose this has all been brought front and center to me this summer as I have dealt with my weaknesses and illness and even my mortality. It isn’t something most people want to think about – myself included. But in spite of it all, I know God is there, loving me and using this process to teach me and develop me as a human being.
I am here now for purposes I am not always aware of, created by the Almighty, heading on a journey of His choosing and purpose and though I do not believe in a vindictive God who causes bad things such as illness, I do believe He is a loving Father who uses events in our lives to mold and sometimes break us to His loving will.
Help me, Lord, to be a better member of your fan club.
